Five Years
It's raining in South Florida which means it's time for some introspection. I majored in introspection all through college and hold a few post-graduate degrees to boot. In fact, I'm preparing to go back to school for another doctorate in the introspective behavior of engineer / church planters.
In reality I've been avoiding too much inward-looking activity lately. Perhaps it's stress. Add a little depression, mix in some feelings of inadequacy, I'm losing my hair, fatigue, disgust with choices that don't exemplify a follower of Jesus. Work has been a good diversion and an arena where there aren't an endless stream of questions or unsolvable mysteries.
God I'm weary. Not just tired physically or emotionally. There's that too, but weariness that finds its home deeper in my being. It's five years of living in South Florida as a church planter that has had his foundation ripped to shreds and is left in various stages of rebuilding. Five years of being misunderstood (or just ignored) by the Vineyard and knowing almost from day one that I would not live up to their expectations for church planting success. Five years of slowly working, living, and worshipping with various people - never more than 20 at one time - and struggling to form both a corporate identity and my own identity within that structure. Five years of having my wife pregnant and having kids, learning a new job, learning how to be parents, and moving addresses five times in order to just find a nice place for my family to live. Five years of asking, "What does it look like to be a disciple of Jesus and live in his kingdom?", not arriving at many concrete answers, and becoming frustrated with my own level of maturity and apparent transformation. As a friend of mine mentioned in an email recently, "...the past 5 years of yours have not at all been a waste. It's just not what you expected."
Wow. Expectations. Those run pretty deep in us humans, particularly when it comes to all things related to God. I can remember thinking about a year after we had started our faith community that it might take five years to even scratch the surface on some of the issues we were touching and questions being asked. Those five years flew by incredibly fast. Have we scratched the surface? Probably, but I think I was hoping we'd move a little faster than projected. I know I was hoping that I'd be further along as a human being by now. Instead, my flaws and weaknesses just seem larger and more debilitating.
So I am a man standing in need of some encouragement. I keep getting bits and pieces here and there. Little affirmations from friends, family, far-flung partners in this kingdom enterprise. A friend of ours pointed us to an interview done by Rev Magazine with the church / business leadership super-guru John Maxwell entitled If I Had It to Do Over Again. It was an eye-opening read, but in a strange way incredibly encouraging. Here you have one of the central figures of get-r-done Christian leadership basically saying, "You know, I was wrong about a lot of what I used to think and practice and I'd do it totally different now." Check this quote:
"Rev!: What would you do differently if you were starting over today?
Maxwell: I'd have a lot less church; I'd have less programs; I'd have less services. I'd have a lot less of everything.
Rev!: Why?
Maxwell: As a pastor I've made a lot of mistakes, but one of my major mistakes was thinking that life revolved around the local church and what we were doing. For example, if you were a member of the church, you had to have a ministry in the church. That was a huge mistake. I had high-capacity people in my church doing things that were pretty mundane for business people. If I had it to do over again, I'd have people doing a lot more ministry outside the church, in their workplace or in their community or in their volunteer organizations. I'd find out where they had the greatest influence and make their ministry where their greatest influence was, not confine it to a church. Huge mistake I made. And I didn't see it until I was out, but I was too inward. I had a lot of high-capacity people who were probably never "salt and light" like they could have been. I'd change that immediately if I went back to the local church. I'd be much more into how we influenced the community and a lot less into "How can I get everybody onboard with my church and with my program?"
At least I haven't made the mistake of thinking life revolves around what the local church is doing. Geez, that's been my mantra for the past five years. The kingdom...is out there. I just wish I knew what to do next. There are tremendous challenges to seeing God's kingdom in the culture I live in day to day. I know He's there working, it's just so hidden. In many ways I have learned how to live as a Christian outside of the box of church. But there is still so much to learn.
Todd Hunter used to have a famous prayer by Thomas Merton on his website. Most who read this blog have seen it, probably many times. In the course of writing this tonight my mind was drawn back to it and how it gripped me the first time I read it a few years ago. I'd like to post it again, not as a cool thing to read, but as simply the best thing I know how to pray...
My Lord God
I have no idea where I am going.
I do not see the road ahead of me.
I cannot know for certain where it will end.
Nor do I really know myself,
and the fact that I think I am following
your will does not mean
that I am actually doing so.
But I believe that my desire to please you
does in fact please you.
And I hope that I have that desire
in all that I am doing.
I hope that I will never do anything
apart from that desire.
And I know that if I do this
you will lead me by the right road
though I may know nothing about it.
Therefore will I trust you always
though I may seem to be lost
and in the shadow of death.
I will not fear,
for you are ever with me,
and you will never leave me
to face my perils alone.
Five years. I'm thankful for these last five years. Beyond the lessons I've learned, my joy has been the friends I've made along the way. You know who you are. If you have had any similar thoughts / struggles lately...well, suck it up man! No seriously, I'd love to hear some feedback. I'm turning off the comments for this post because I'm not really interested in general "sorry you're bummed out Mike" kind of stuff. That's not really necessary, thanks. I'd like to hear about how you are wrestling with the incongruencies of this journey - the unanswered questions, the challenge of seeing genuine transformation, the unrealized expectations. Shoot me an email if you'd like to chat. Make your subject line obvious because I get lots of spam.
In reality I've been avoiding too much inward-looking activity lately. Perhaps it's stress. Add a little depression, mix in some feelings of inadequacy, I'm losing my hair, fatigue, disgust with choices that don't exemplify a follower of Jesus. Work has been a good diversion and an arena where there aren't an endless stream of questions or unsolvable mysteries.
God I'm weary. Not just tired physically or emotionally. There's that too, but weariness that finds its home deeper in my being. It's five years of living in South Florida as a church planter that has had his foundation ripped to shreds and is left in various stages of rebuilding. Five years of being misunderstood (or just ignored) by the Vineyard and knowing almost from day one that I would not live up to their expectations for church planting success. Five years of slowly working, living, and worshipping with various people - never more than 20 at one time - and struggling to form both a corporate identity and my own identity within that structure. Five years of having my wife pregnant and having kids, learning a new job, learning how to be parents, and moving addresses five times in order to just find a nice place for my family to live. Five years of asking, "What does it look like to be a disciple of Jesus and live in his kingdom?", not arriving at many concrete answers, and becoming frustrated with my own level of maturity and apparent transformation. As a friend of mine mentioned in an email recently, "...the past 5 years of yours have not at all been a waste. It's just not what you expected."
Wow. Expectations. Those run pretty deep in us humans, particularly when it comes to all things related to God. I can remember thinking about a year after we had started our faith community that it might take five years to even scratch the surface on some of the issues we were touching and questions being asked. Those five years flew by incredibly fast. Have we scratched the surface? Probably, but I think I was hoping we'd move a little faster than projected. I know I was hoping that I'd be further along as a human being by now. Instead, my flaws and weaknesses just seem larger and more debilitating.
So I am a man standing in need of some encouragement. I keep getting bits and pieces here and there. Little affirmations from friends, family, far-flung partners in this kingdom enterprise. A friend of ours pointed us to an interview done by Rev Magazine with the church / business leadership super-guru John Maxwell entitled If I Had It to Do Over Again. It was an eye-opening read, but in a strange way incredibly encouraging. Here you have one of the central figures of get-r-done Christian leadership basically saying, "You know, I was wrong about a lot of what I used to think and practice and I'd do it totally different now." Check this quote:
"Rev!: What would you do differently if you were starting over today?
Maxwell: I'd have a lot less church; I'd have less programs; I'd have less services. I'd have a lot less of everything.
Rev!: Why?
Maxwell: As a pastor I've made a lot of mistakes, but one of my major mistakes was thinking that life revolved around the local church and what we were doing. For example, if you were a member of the church, you had to have a ministry in the church. That was a huge mistake. I had high-capacity people in my church doing things that were pretty mundane for business people. If I had it to do over again, I'd have people doing a lot more ministry outside the church, in their workplace or in their community or in their volunteer organizations. I'd find out where they had the greatest influence and make their ministry where their greatest influence was, not confine it to a church. Huge mistake I made. And I didn't see it until I was out, but I was too inward. I had a lot of high-capacity people who were probably never "salt and light" like they could have been. I'd change that immediately if I went back to the local church. I'd be much more into how we influenced the community and a lot less into "How can I get everybody onboard with my church and with my program?"
At least I haven't made the mistake of thinking life revolves around what the local church is doing. Geez, that's been my mantra for the past five years. The kingdom...is out there. I just wish I knew what to do next. There are tremendous challenges to seeing God's kingdom in the culture I live in day to day. I know He's there working, it's just so hidden. In many ways I have learned how to live as a Christian outside of the box of church. But there is still so much to learn.
Todd Hunter used to have a famous prayer by Thomas Merton on his website. Most who read this blog have seen it, probably many times. In the course of writing this tonight my mind was drawn back to it and how it gripped me the first time I read it a few years ago. I'd like to post it again, not as a cool thing to read, but as simply the best thing I know how to pray...
My Lord God
I have no idea where I am going.
I do not see the road ahead of me.
I cannot know for certain where it will end.
Nor do I really know myself,
and the fact that I think I am following
your will does not mean
that I am actually doing so.
But I believe that my desire to please you
does in fact please you.
And I hope that I have that desire
in all that I am doing.
I hope that I will never do anything
apart from that desire.
And I know that if I do this
you will lead me by the right road
though I may know nothing about it.
Therefore will I trust you always
though I may seem to be lost
and in the shadow of death.
I will not fear,
for you are ever with me,
and you will never leave me
to face my perils alone.
Five years. I'm thankful for these last five years. Beyond the lessons I've learned, my joy has been the friends I've made along the way. You know who you are. If you have had any similar thoughts / struggles lately...well, suck it up man! No seriously, I'd love to hear some feedback. I'm turning off the comments for this post because I'm not really interested in general "sorry you're bummed out Mike" kind of stuff. That's not really necessary, thanks. I'd like to hear about how you are wrestling with the incongruencies of this journey - the unanswered questions, the challenge of seeing genuine transformation, the unrealized expectations. Shoot me an email if you'd like to chat. Make your subject line obvious because I get lots of spam.
posted by Mike Bishop at 9:26 PM
<< Home